my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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