My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So much rum. So many feels.
You are the jesus of drinking
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
