Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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