She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
