shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
