good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize