they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
