dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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