Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
