he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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