Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
