thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Randomize