sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
