I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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