Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
