You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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