Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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