Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
