I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
