mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
