you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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