I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
