I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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