You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
