I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
