Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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