I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
