I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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