if you like me you must not know who I am
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
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