you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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