my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize