Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
