So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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