you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Lo siento on account of my penis...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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