This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to align my fucking chakras
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
