'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
