the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
