That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
