My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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