Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
