How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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