I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
