This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
