Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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