i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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