Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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