She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
