i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize