I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
