i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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