i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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