no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
