I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
