Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
