good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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