you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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