Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
