Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
