There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
