Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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